People-pleasing is a common behaviour driven by the desire for approval and the avoidance of conflict. While the trait can foster positive relationships and create social harmony, it can also lead to significant emotional challenges. When people consistently prioritise others' needs at the expense of their own, they may face issues like burnout, anxiety, and a weakened sense of self. In this article, we’ll explore the concept of people-pleasing, its advantages and downsides, and provide strategies for managing it in a healthy way.

WHAT IS PEOPLE-PLEASING?

People-pleasing involves a persistent focus on making others happy, even when it means ignoring personal needs, desires, or boundaries. People-pleasers often say "yes" to requests, even when they lack the time, energy, or desire to fulfil them. While this can result in positive feedback from others, it frequently leads to feelings of exhaustion and resentment over time.

At its core, people-pleasing is often rooted in the fear of rejection or disapproval. Many people-pleasers worry that by saying "no" or asserting their own needs, they will be seen as selfish or unkind, and this fear drives them to overextend themselves.

THE COST OF PEOPLE-PLEASING

While the desire to help and support others can be a positive trait, chronic people-pleasing can take a toll on mental and emotional well-being. Here are some of the common downsides of unchecked people-pleasing behaviour:

Loss of Identity: One of the most significant risks of people-pleasing is the loss of a clear sense of self. When a person continually adapts their behaviour to suit others, they may start to lose touch with their own values, interests, and goals. Over time, this can lead to feelings of confusion and dissatisfaction, as people-pleasers may no longer know what they want or need independently of others' expectations.

Resentment and Burnout: Constantly prioritising others' needs can lead to emotional exhaustion. People-pleasers often find themselves overwhelmed with commitments and responsibilities they never truly wanted. Over time, this can result in deep resentment, as they feel taken advantage of by others or frustrated that they are not being appreciated for their efforts. This resentment can strain relationships, despite the initial intention of maintaining harmony.

Anxiety and Stress: The pressure to meet everyone’s expectations can lead to chronic stress. People-pleasers are often preoccupied with worrying about how others perceive them, which can result in heightened anxiety. The need to constantly seek approval or validation leaves little room for self-care or relaxation, as people-pleasers may feel they are never doing "enough."

Difficulty Saying ‘No’: For people-pleasers, saying ‘no’ can feel incredibly difficult, as they often fear disappointing or upsetting others. This inability to decline requests or set boundaries can lead to overcommitting, which in turn exacerbates feelings of stress and overwhelm. The more they say ‘yes,’ the more they feel trapped in a cycle of obligations that they cannot escape.

THE ADVANTAGES OF PEOPLE-PLEASING

Although people-pleasing is often framed in a negative light, it’s important to recognise that this trait does have its advantages when managed in moderation.

Strong Relationships: People-pleasers are often seen as reliable, empathetic, and considerate, which can lead to strong and supportive relationships. Their ability to understand and anticipate others’ needs fosters trust and connection. In professional settings, people-pleasers can excel at teamwork, as they tend to avoid conflict and work well in collaborative environments.

Heightened Empathy: One of the most positive aspects of people-pleasing is the capacity for empathy. People-pleasers are often highly attuned to the emotions of others, making them skilled at offering comfort, support, and understanding in times of need. This ability to connect emotionally with others can deepen personal and professional relationships.

Positive Social Impact: People-pleasers often contribute to a positive social atmosphere, as they strive to create environments where everyone feels valued and included. In group settings, they are often the ones who mediate conflicts, keep things running smoothly, and ensure that others’ feelings are considered.

FINDING BALANCE: STRATEGIES FOR MANAGING PEOPLE-PLEASING BEHAVIOURS

The key to managing people-pleasing lies in striking a balance between supporting others and maintaining personal well-being. Here are some strategies to help you navigate this balance:

Practice Assertiveness: One of the most effective ways to combat harmful people-pleasing is by developing assertiveness. Assertiveness involves clearly expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful manner. This doesn’t mean becoming aggressive or demanding but learning to communicate your boundaries and say ‘no’ when necessary. Assertiveness training or therapy can help in building the confidence to stand up for yourself while still maintaining positive relationships.

Recognise Your Limits: To avoid burnout, it’s important to recognise your own limits and set clear boundaries around your time and energy. This may involve learning to delegate tasks, saying ‘no’ to requests that exceed your capacity, and creating space for self-care. By setting boundaries, you can protect your well-being while still offering support to others in a way that is sustainable.

Develop Self-Worth: Many people-pleasers struggle with feelings of inadequacy or low self-worth, which drives their need for external validation. To break this cycle, it’s essential to focus on cultivating internal validation. This can be done by acknowledging your own achievements, setting personal goals, and taking pride in who you are, independent of others' opinions. Building self-esteem through personal growth and self-compassion can help reduce the reliance on approval from others.

Learn to Say ‘No’ Kindly: Saying ‘no’ doesn’t have to be harsh or confrontational. In fact, learning how to decline requests kindly is a valuable skill. You can express appreciation for the person’s request while also being clear about your boundaries. For example, you might say, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m unable to commit to this right now.” By framing your ‘no’ in a positive way, you can maintain respect and understanding while protecting your own well-being.

Prioritise Self-Care: People-pleasers often neglect their own self-care in favour of tending to others’ needs. However, it’s important to remember that you cannot effectively support others if you’re running on empty. Prioritising self-care activities—whether it’s through relaxation, hobbies, exercise, or mindfulness—can help replenish your energy and maintain emotional balance. By taking care of yourself first, you’ll be better equipped to offer support to others without feeling drained.

FINAL THOUGHTS

People-pleasing, when kept in check, can be a positive trait that fosters empathy, kindness, and strong relationships. However, when it becomes chronic, it can have negative consequences for mental and emotional well-being. By practising assertiveness, setting boundaries, and prioritising self-worth, people-pleasers can maintain the best aspects of this trait while avoiding burnout and resentment.

Learning to balance the desire to help others with the need to protect your own well-being is a valuable skill that can lead to healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self. In the end, people-pleasers can continue to support and care for others, but in a way that honours their own needs and boundaries.