David Jowanka, MSPS MICIP
29 Oct 2024
In relationships, offering support often goes beyond just giving advice; it's about truly understanding each other's experiences and challenges. While many refer to this practice as "active listening," I prefer to call it "active understanding." This term more accurately captures the essence of what we aim to do—move beyond passive listening to connect more deeply, creating a space where each partner feels seen, valued, and understood.
THE FOUNDATION OF ACTIVE UNDERSTANDING
Active understanding differs from traditional active listening in that it focuses on deeply engaging with our partner’s emotions and experiences, rather than merely responding to their words. This approach encourages empathy and compassion, helping partners connect in ways that passive listening may not achieve. When both people embrace this mindset, they resist the urge to jump in with quick fixes and instead focus on truly understanding their partner’s unique challenges.
Active understanding, then, is about creating an emotional foundation within the relationship, one based on empathy, validation, and presence. This foundation allows both individuals to express themselves freely, promoting a relationship dynamic that feels genuinely supportive and open.
THE ROLE OF ASKING QUESTIONS
Central to active understanding is the art of asking thoughtful questions. When we ask questions, we show a genuine interest in understanding the full depth of our partner’s experiences. Simple, open-ended questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or “What part of this situation is the hardest for you?” invite your partner to share more, fostering a supportive and emotionally honest conversation.
Asking questions this way isn’t about interrogating or seeking a definitive answer; rather, it’s about showing genuine care and a desire to understand fully. This engagement signals that both partners are invested in each other’s inner world, helping them feel validated and accepted. Such questions create a climate for honest sharing, ultimately deepening emotional bonds.
WHY ADVICE ISN’T ALWAYS THE ANSWER
Offering solutions right away, even when well-intended, can sometimes feel dismissive. Solutions often reflect the listener’s perspective rather than the speaker’s lived experience, which can lead to misinterpretations. Active understanding, in contrast, encourages partners to focus on validating each other’s emotions rather than rushing to provide answers or “fixes.” This shift in approach can reduce frustration, improve communication, and build a deeper sense of trust.
For many, simply feeling heard and validated is more impactful than receiving advice. When partners embrace active understanding, they allow each other to feel accepted in their current emotional state, enhancing their relationship’s emotional safety and connectedness.
STRATEGIES FOR ACTIVE UNDERSTANDING
Implementing active understanding takes practice. Here are several effective strategies for fostering this approach in daily interactions:
Reflective Listening: This technique involves summarising or rephrasing what your partner has shared, demonstrating that you’re present and genuinely care about their viewpoint. For example, a response like, “It sounds like you felt unappreciated when that happened,” can help your partner feel heard and supported.
Non-verbal Cues: Nodding, making eye contact, and using empathetic facial expressions signal attentiveness and respect. These cues help establish a safe environment where each person feels comfortable expressing their emotions.
Being Fully Present: Putting aside distractions and giving undivided attention shows genuine curiosity. This act alone can foster feelings of trust and security within the relationship.
Asking Open-Ended Questions: Thoughtful, open-ended questions encourage your partner to explore and express their feelings more deeply, providing a greater understanding of their experience and emotions.
SHIFTING THE FOCUS TO ACTIVE UNDERSTANDING
Active understanding requires a shift in perspective—one where the goal of a conversation is not necessarily resolution but genuine connection. As couples grow comfortable with this approach, they often discover that the act of truly listening and validating each other’s experiences can dissolve feelings of isolation, defensiveness, or misunderstanding.
By practicing active understanding, couples create a relationship built on mutual respect, acceptance, and patience. This mindset fosters emotional safety, inviting each person to bring their full, authentic self into the relationship. Instead of striving to “fix” problems, partners learn to support one another by acknowledging and empathising with each other’s unique experiences.
TRANSFORMING CONFLICT THROUGH ACTIVE UNDERSTANDING
Active understanding can be especially transformative during conflict. Rather than focusing on who’s right or who’s to blame, each partner prioritises understanding the other’s perspective. This approach enables both people to express their feelings and concerns openly, often leading to resolutions grounded in empathy and mutual respect. With active understanding, conflicts become opportunities for growth and deeper connection rather than sources of resentment.
During conflicts, practising active understanding helps partners see disagreements as natural parts of their relationship rather than threats to their bond. This approach promotes a healthy attitude toward conflict resolution, encouraging each partner to listen with empathy and openness rather than defensiveness.
BENEFITS OF ACTIVE UNDERSTANDING IN RELATIONSHIPS
Developing a habit of active understanding offers numerous benefits for both partners:
Increased Trust: Partners who focus on understanding each other build a stronger sense of trust. As both feel secure in sharing their genuine thoughts and emotions, the relationship becomes a safe place for each person.
Stronger Emotional Bond: Active understanding nurtures emotional intimacy, creating a stronger and more resilient bond between partners.
Reduced Miscommunication: By focusing on understanding rather than jumping to conclusions, partners can significantly reduce misinterpretations and misunderstandings, fostering clearer and more meaningful communication.
Personal Growth: Engaging in active understanding without offering unsolicited advice encourages self-awareness and emotional maturity, enhancing both individuals’ personal well-being.
OVERCOMING COMMON CHALLENGES IN ACTIVE UNDERSTANDING
While powerful, practising active understanding is not always easy. Many of us are conditioned to believe that “fixing” issues is the most helpful approach. Adapting to a more listening-focused style takes patience, and moments of frustration may still arise. Here are some practical ways to navigate these challenges:
Acknowledge Your Intentions: Recognise that the urge to offer solutions often comes from a place of care. Remind yourself that simply being present is an incredibly valuable form of support, one that nurtures both you and your partner.
Be Patient with Yourself: Like any new skill, active understanding takes time to develop. Allow yourself grace if you occasionally slip back into advice-giving mode—growth is a gradual process.
Discuss with Your Partner: Consider having a conversation with your partner about this shift in approach. By sharing your intentions to focus on understanding, you set a foundation of trust and openness that makes this practice more meaningful for both of you.
EMBRACING A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON UNDERSTANDING
Active understanding allows couples to forge a deeper, more resilient bond that goes beyond problem-solving. It nurtures a relationship where both partners feel accepted for who they are, fostering a sense of fulfilment that strengthens the partnership. By cultivating this practice, couples open the door to experience life’s highs and lows together, with the knowledge that they are truly seen and valued.
In a world that often prioritises solutions over connection, active understanding reminds us that sometimes, the most powerful support we can offer is simply to listen and understand. As couples embrace active understanding, they transform their relationships into spaces where genuine connection and empathy become the foundation for happiness, growth, and shared resilience.